You are Not a Failure

A deeply personal piece about failure, shame, self-limiting beliefs, and the journey towards healing. From the perspective of a cognitive psychology student.

This one's a difficult essay to write. But today, I needed to let it out.

To be honest, I've been exploring this topic for as long as I can remember. I was raised in an environment where I felt the need to constantly prove myself. In a rural American suburb where I never fit in, no matter how much I bleached my hair or dressed like the other girls. When I try to pinpoint exactly when this core belief began, it's nuanced and complicated, to say the least. But it was earlier than high school. It could probably be traced back to my childhood. I suppose that's why limiting beliefs are so goddamn grueling to work through. They've been around for so long that it's difficult to root out the cause- a specific moment or time. Often it's many things over time that made us feel like failures. Or, we do know the cause, but it's so deeply ingrained that it's become part of us. So what the hell happened? How did we get here?

I've tried many things to heal this belief. Therapy didn't work, though don't let this dissuade you if you're considering it. Therapy can be helpful, but it takes time to navigate the healthcare system, and there are drawbacks. It's expensive, waitlists are ridiculous, and sometimes you finally make it to your consultation only to discover your therapist isn't a match. I've had two different therapists in the past year. The first told me to "fake it till I make it", which I can absolutely attest does not work when you suffer from chronic self-criticism and imposter syndrome. Encouraging delusion may work short-term, but it's a bandaid. The second therapist was more helpful, we dove into trauma connections, providing some awareness. But when she asked, "How true does the statement 'I'm a failure' feel to you on a scale of 1-10?" it was always 10. Despite some incremental progress, she ended up ghosting me after a few sessions, which made me feel like I'd failed at therapy too. So I threw my hands up in defeat.

At this point, these thoughts were consuming my headspace daily. In psychological terms, this is called "rumination." No matter what I did, I'd fail. So why even bother trying? I began fearing life. It looked like not leaving my apartment, not caring what I ate, panic attacks, not planning for the future because I felt like I didn't have one. The only thing that had worked in the past was working harder. Which worked as an even shorter term fix, until I sustained a life altering injury to my spine (from working too hard). I even tried setting SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) at the suggestion of online articles. This only made me more productive but never alleviated my symptoms. It didn't matter if I had three jobs that were all going well, held leadership positions, or accomplished personal goals. In my mind, I still wasn't the person I wanted to be. I began to wonder if that was the problem: the gap between who I wanted to be and who I was felt too great. A gap I needed to close.

This "better version" of myself was built partially on comparison to others. While social media has advantages like staying updated on world events, learning how to do your brows. Being this connected isn't something our brains properly adapted to. I fall into the trap of comparison CONSTANTLY, and the worst part is that comparison is built into our social design. How else would companies make money on campaigns if you didn't want the life of the person in them? A person that is so clearly better than you. The makeup, the vacation, the meal plan, all promising a more worthy version of you; to quiet the self hating voice in your mind. We live in a society that profits off of our insecurities, and no matter where we turn, there's no reprieve.

Meanwhile, we lose genuine human experiences: connecting with others in person, practicing communication, and sharing emotions that don't need validation from a "like" or "subscribe" button. This was taken from us. But this is only part of the issue. For some, it may be the root, and a social media cleanse might provide a cure. But again, not for me. I felt momentary relief, but these thoughts were ultimately unaffected by deleting Instagram and the dreaded dating apps. We're surrounded by a culture that thrives on manufactured inadequacy. Success isn't measured by everyday real experiences. But by milestones that are becoming increasingly difficult for people to achieve: graduating college, reaching certain income levels, getting married, buying a house, having children, traveling the world. Life was never meant to be this expensive, or complicated. Even though it's all we know. Therefore, it's incredibly difficult to see outside this self-critical conditioning. And even if society didn't encourage this already, as humans we naturally seem to compare ourselves to our neighbors. "Joe has a bigger cow," "Oh, Martha has taller hair," or whatever. Modern culture just found a way to harness feelings of judgment, failure, and not-enoughness to its advantage and to our ultimate disadvantage. So where do people like me go from here?

For those reading this who've never experienced this… well, fork you. But really, I'm happy for you, like a terminally single woman at her younger sister's wedding. I’ll admit, I'm envious and wish I had your mental stability and self-assurance. For those lucky people, let me describe these feelings, whatever you want to call them. It's like being trapped in a house of mirrors that distorts how you see yourself. You feel ugly and unworthy, and you can't find the exit sign. After a while, you're scared there isn't one, and it's your fault you can't find it.

While my second therapist ghosted me like most of the men I've dated (I'm fine), she did help me understand that this is deep rooted and possibly connected to trauma. The root of this emotion isn't necessarily failure- it's not feeling "enough." It cannot be quantified, and it's often stubborn. This "not enoughness" lives in the shadow of trauma and perfectionism, and what researcher Brené Brown calls shame. Shame is the feeling of being inherently flawed. I can attribute my self limiting beliefs about failure to something being inherently flawed within me. I'm not enough. I never will be enough. Whenever I'd try something, a relationship, a business, it fails because that's how learning and life work. But in my brain, I took these moments and filed them cognitively into a collection of my life's greatest failures. Failures that were my fault, which led to more shame, which inflated my negative self perception, creating an ugly cycle that often feels inescapable and maddening. But I have learned, through failing, that it is a condition of living. But the shame it creates, that our minds create, is a burden we've been taught to carry. According to psychologist Carl Jung, the shadow consists of parts of ourselves we hide. Many of us will find growth by giving shame a voice, then beginning the process of understanding where we learned this behavior and why our brains formed this way.

So let's examine this from a cognitive perspective. This is exactly what I studied at university: behavior and cognition, the ways our minds process and store information. There's a concept called "productive failure" that's proven to be a more effective way of learning. For example, imagine two groups: one given instructions beforehand, another given no instruction. Both perform a task. The instructed group has mixed fails and successful results; the uninstructed group obviously fails. But when both groups perform the task again, this time the group that received no instruction and failed initially, significantly outperforms the group that had instruction throughout. This was an actual study conducted, and what they found is, failure is a fantastic teacher.

Let's put this into the context of life. We're instructed to go to school, then college, get high paying jobs, marry, have kids, and retire. Then maybe live out our days eating pudding cups in a nursing home and having our butts wiped by a stranger. That's the proposed blueprint for "life" that will lead to success and fulfillment. But like the first group in the research project given instructions; many of us have failed at the blueprint laid out before us. The task of life. Many of us, dare I say almost all of us in modern society, will not follow these instructions. And perhaps it’s actually better to try the task of life, with no instructions and fail miserably. That's more likely to lead to a successful, fulfilling life by far. So if you've failed over and over, you are still learning and probably doing a lot better than you think. If you tried to follow the instructions (like me) and failed at every single bullet point, well, maybe that's okay. Our only reference is the blueprint laid out before us, which- fuck that. Or comparison to others, which they are not you. We all have different gifts, personalities, and ways to contribute to this world. We can't compare our lives to that of a friend online because we are two completely different people.

So if shame is so deeply rooted for many of us, is healing possible? Absolutely- at least that's what psychologists say. I'm still not sure, but I'm willing to try. There's no one-size-fits-all method for healing shame. For some, it may take just sharing or finally taking that dream trip. For others, no methods seem enough. I fall into the latter category. Therefore, everyone will have a different journey of battling shame. What works for someone else may not work for you. What matters is facing it, just like everything else in life. That awareness is painful- trust me, I know; I cried about it just today. But I have hope that we can figure it out, one day at a time. If that's not proof we're more than enough, I don't know what is. The voice telling you you're a failure, or not enough, may not disappear forever. But you can learn to have a conversation with it. It may take months or years to heal, and honestly, it may be something you revisit for life. But you'll get better at allowing yourself to feel through it and build yourself up in ways that seem genuine to you. If it's been part of you for as long as you can remember (like me), it will take significant time- it has shaped you.

Shame can't be worked through by the brain alone. The brain got us into this mess, and we have to clean it up differently. Trauma and shame disconnect the heart from the brain. That's why you won't find answers solely in your logical mind. Setting attention to the present moment regulates the heart. Worries about the future and regrets of the past, our failures, take us out of the present and can reactivate trauma. Your heart has more neurons than your brain and plays a significant role in the system that detects threats and assesses safety. You must feel. I don't just mean feeling your feelings, although that is part of it, no doubt. But doing things that feel good. Create, adventure, give in to curiosity and sensations around you. Be more present with yourself. If you can't feel confident yet, try curiosity. If you feel like a failure, try being present. Think about your favorite movie, is it perfect? No. Your favorite book? No. Your favorite person? Still no. And that's exactly why we love them so much.

We want resolution, solid earth under our feet. So we take life into our own hands, create control. But our solutions are temporary, quick fixes that create more doubt and suffering. There is no resolution to life's questions, no end goal. We are all just here, together. So, what are you chasing? Why are you in a hurry? If there's no real resolution, can we truly do anything wrong? We think that when things fall apart it's our fault, but it's not. The truth is, things don't really ever get solved. We're all just trying our best with no instructions and a vague end goal. We're told which direction to go, and that's it. The potential success of that structure is limited, and I've never met a happy person who achieved success through traditional means alone. So pave your own path, and trust it will be more than enough.

I say all of this with such grace because I am still struggling with this. Even though this feels just as true as me being a failure in life. Two opposites opposing each other in my brain at all times. But at least I now have something to battle that voice with. At least now, I can have a conversation with her, instead of trying to shut it out. I have failed, and others have failed me, and it's all okay. All of it. Failure is okay; it's the shame that people place on us, or we place on ourselves, that's the issue.

Here's what I've learned: failure is the point. It's not the enemy we've made it out to be. As Rumi wrote, "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." Maybe that breaking, that failing, that falling apart on the bathroom floor, isn't evidence of our inadequacy. Maybe it's evidence of our humanity, our courage to keep trying, our refusal to give up on becoming who we're meant to be. And maybe that person I wished I could be will never come to fruition. Because the person I am is more extraordinary than I am capable of seeing right now.

The house of mirrors may never fully disappear, but we can learn to recognize the distortions for what they are. We can find our way through not by avoiding the mirrors, but by understanding that our worth was never reflected in them to begin with. We are enough, not because we never fail, but because we keep showing up, keep trying, keep breaking our hearts open until love gets in.

—Tianna Monet